Monday

Today is Monday and the first day we returned to our regular lives. I was dreading this day since Friday, and this morning going to get into my car I started feeling the tears well up in my eyes. I just felt like it was the end. The end to our journey with our baby, the end of our time away from reality and now the grieving starts.

At work today the gals I work with got me the sweetest gift, a Willow Tree Angel that's called "Forever in my heart" it couldn't be more perfect. It will be in our home forever as tribute to our first baby. Other people at work were great, men that I thought wouldn't say a word came up hugged me and just asked how I was doing. So many people giving their regards, I feel so lucky to have such wonderful people surrounding B and myself.

I feel like I am an emotional rollercoaster, one minute I am perfectly fine and the other I am bawling and can't control it. I am angry, angry that we don't have answers as to why, angry at every teenage pregnant girl I see at school, angry that this happen to us. I think these feelings are normal but I wish they would go away. I am normally an upbeat overly cheery person and I don't feel like myself. I hate these feeling this way, to be very honest, I haven't had a loss like this in about 11 years, and thankfully I had forgotten what it feels like.

I do have to say that I am so, so thankful for B, he is truly amazing and I thanked God every hour for him today. I couldn't not do this without him and my wish is that our relationship would come out of this stronger and we would become closer as a couple. B has gotten to see me at my lowest and has picked me up, dried my tears and helped me carry on. He is the most amazing man, I can't imagine what my life would be like without him.

I know B and will get through this, it will just take time! I wish that time could just be fast forwarded and we would be healed, but life doesn't work that way. So here's to taking it day by day, appreciating the true miracle of life and time healing all wounds. Have a wonderful day all!

Update

First, I would like to thank you all for the kind words, advice, thoughts and prayers. You will never know just how much they mean to B and myself.

Yesterday I started to miscarry naturally and recieved a call from my Dr. she said that she would give me the choice of having a D&C or to miscarry naturally. I first opted to miscarry naturally. She did inform that since the baby was measuring at 9 weeks it may be very hard for my body to pass the mass on my own, and I might have to end up having a D&C anyway.

After talking with B, my sister-in-law whose a nurse and a friend who has had a miscarriage naturally, I opted to have the D&C. Thankfully they could get me in yesterday at 4:30pm. I have no idea why but my sister-in-law who is a nurse said that if it were her, she would have done the same thing. Those words were so comforting to me, I have no idea why, maybe because she of the medical profession, or that she's just had a baby, but it really comforted me in my decision.

I first went in and had to an another u/s to confirm and luckily they did an on top of the belly one. The gal was so kind and said I don't want to have you have to have anymore pain than you already do. Thankfully she did get what she needed and the radiologist who happens to be our very good friend came in a just said hey kiddo not this time. He didn't go into detail, he just said not this time. That was exactly what I needed to hear. I didn't want to hear the word baby, heartbeat, miscarriage, nothing, those words were perfect for me at that point. Once again my older sister stepped up and went with me. Bless her heart she has 3 young children and she rearranged her schedule to come and help me. I owe her more than I can ever repay her!

I then just happened to walk over to my clinic and they once again impressed me. I asked the desk clerk what I needed to do, she called my doc's nurse and she said, ok just have a seat and she will be with you in a minute. Not more than 2 minutes the nurse came out. It thought she was just going to tell me what time to be here. Nope she took me back to a room, gave me a quick physical and said the doctor would be right in to talk to me. I was amazed, I thought I would only see my OB when I went to have the D&C. She came in and answered any questions I may have. She has actually been through this before right around the time I was and she couldn't have been better.

B flew in and I broke down and so did he when we saw each other. It was like I could finally let my emotions go, let my saddness out and he couldn't have been better. He was so supportive and didn't let go of me until I went to the OR.

We then went to the hospital and it was pretty difficult to answer those questions, signs those forms. My sis and B were there and were wonderful with my breaking down and all B could say was " I am so sorry you have to go through this." My mom also was supposed to be going to see my little sis in NY and got to Detroit and just couldn't be away, so she jumped back on the same plane and flew back to Iowa and was there when I woke up.

I got a bit teary when I went to OR but then they put me under and the next thing I knew I was in recovery saying I was old and that I was doing the chicken and noodle dance. Our family loves my mom's chicken and noodles and we have a dance we do when we want it. I said I was doing that in my head. I also kept repeating myself...

I then went up to a recovery room for about an hour and had a McDonald's double cheese burger and it was the best food I have ever had!! We then got to go home. B was so sweet and packed up the gifts we had recived and my mom took them home. Now I just need to pack away the maternity clothes and all physical reminders should be gone.

This weekend B and I are going to my parents lake house just to relax, be together and heal our broken hearts. Last night I broke down and said " I just want our baby back" and truly what I wouldn't give to still be pregnant with a healthy baby. I am so broken hearted, but thankful the physical part is over. Now I feel like we can start to heal emotionally and someday have a healthy baby. Thank you to all of you for your kind words. I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!

Some sad news on the home front

I'm not even sure how to start this post. First I was so excited that this week I was going to announce my pregnany on my blog. Today I had a wrench and a really huge one thrown into the deal when I found out that I am losing the baby. I was supposed to be 12 weeks 1 day along and the baby was measuring 9 weeks with no cardiac activity.

B just happens to be in AZ this week for training, but is flying home tomorrow morning. Luckily by the grace of God my sister just happen to call me as I am going to the clinic today and offered to go with me. I was origianlly going to say no that's ok, but something said have her go. After the whole ordeal I am so thankful she was there, and couldn't have made it through with out her.

My family has been so great this evening and even though I haven't always answered my phone to talk, I truly appreciate their caring thoughts and prayers for B and myself.

To be very honest, we just started telling our friends and extended family this week. It's so hard not to ask why me, why now and did I do something wrong? I ate lunch meat, I drank a coke, I slept on my back. Although there is nothing I did wrong, I wish I believed that when everyone told me. I was just fine at home by myself, by choice until I went in our guest room and saw some of the baby gifts we have recieved. I lost it then, I then just sat there by our desk and cried till I couldn't cry anymore.

I am seriously numb, this is so surreal to me. I now have no more tears, no more words, nothing to make myself feel better but time. Tomorrow I now have to go back in and have another internal u/s to confirm what they already know. Seriously I do not want to go and would rather stay in my bed. Why do they feel the need to torture me again. Thankfully my older sister is going with me again. Do I really need to hear this devastating news once again, seriously, come on! I know they are trying to be thorough but isn't there any other way!!!

I apologize that this post is so blue, but right now I don't feel like posting bedding and fashion tips. In the coming days..

I am trying to live by " God will never give you anything you can't handle." Although it is so hard to really believe this in our sitaution right now, I am trying so hard to have a strong faith in my God and his plan for B & myself. As I sit here typing with tears running down my face, I know he has the perfect baby for us and he is just waiting for the perfect time to bless us with our precious gift, but I really thought October was our right time. Now I am deathly afraid to even think about trying to concieve once again.

Hope everyone had a great day, may you day be better than mine was.

Spring has sprung

At least in my mind it has! Although mother nature has a different idea. I have found myself over the past year completely in love with the color green. I've never been attracted to it before, but as of lately I can't live without it. As I opened the new spring catalogs from Crate and Barrel and Pottery Barn, I was not disappointed. I was a little overwhelmed with the prices but that's my challenge, find or make these items for MUCH, MUCH cheaper!

Ok, first I know that we JUST got new bedding, but I am thinking of this for a guest bedroom for a phantom new house that has 4 bedrooms 3 baths and a white picket fence! A girl can dream can't she!

Next for our new bedding, to brighten things up in the room, I thought of replacing the current bedskirt with an ivory one and replacing the aqua and ivory pillows with some green and ivory throws. Then I thought about turning down the brown duvet and getting a grass green blanket to be exposed instead of our feather blanket. So a few ideas for some pillows....

Then for the green blanket..
Something like this perhaps???

As you can tell Casa de A&B will be green this season and next...I just can't help myself!

Casa de A&B

Today I did some major spring cleaning, as in scrubbed the kitchen floor in my hands and knees, now it's very slickERY as our 3 year old niece calls it. I also did some picture taking to show my faithful readers some updates to Casa de A&B.

First, my new table setting for spring. I combined some green dishes with our white ones and some green placemats from C&B, along with a hurricane from there as well. Very simply but what can I say, I love me some green!

Next, a few weeks back B and purchased two black shelves from my favorite place on earth Target! We hung them above our couch in the livingroom and I think they turned out pretty well. We also rearranged our livingroom and we are really liking it!

To go along with the shelves I had a hurricane from C&B and add some berries for a filler with the green candle on our coffee table.

We also had Ruby's 1st birthday party this weekend and I will post some pictures of that later this week.

Happy Birthday Ruby!

On the 14th our little girl Ruby will turn one year old! I can't believe that we have already had her for 9 months and the time has flown by. I first went to see Ruby over my lunch hour on June 20th, 2008. She was so small and weak, but had the cutest face ever! That evening we went back and adopted her on the spot! We arrived at 5:15pm, they closed at 5:30pm and we were at PetCo buying her a crate, leash, food, and toys by 6pm. That night she had a bath, her white was yellow and the next morning we wer off to Chicago with Ruby in tow. When we got back we were in for a treat with her getting sick and having to be hospitalized, but ever since then she has been the perfect picture of a healthy and happy puppy!

Ruby has added so much joy to our lives, we don't know what we'd do without her. We love her like she's our child and thank God everyday that we are blessed with her as our pet. Happy birthday our little cuddle bug!

Some of my favorites of her when she was just a puppy!

I've been a bad blogger!!!

So I've been very lazy these days in the blogging world. I promise I will start to update more often! To recap my last couple of weeks:

- I've been uber busy at work with no time to take a deep breath.

-Soccer is getting ready to start, only 2 more weeks!

-We went to visit little Zoe this weekend and she's getting so big!

-We are currently on the prowl for a new house, with no luck yet.....anyone want to loan me 200K then I can get the house I really want!

-I am super excited for dancing with the stars tonight......I love Shawn Johnson and now Melissa Rycroft from the bachelor...love them both, my votes will be split between the two!

Lastly, Ruby's 1st birthday is the 14th and yes we are having a little party with Uncle Sparkie. They will get to have some carrot cake and frosty paws!