Guest blogger: Allyson

Check out Allyson's blog at www.dayinthelifeofam.blogspot.com

The Ugly Truth

I have been dating or whatevering with the same guy for the past 5ish weeks. He is really great and I really like spending time with him. I was very apprehensive the first time I met him and on multiple occasions I told our mutual "friend" that I didn't want to, but mostly because I didn't want to hang out with her. Finally one weekend, she knew I didn't have Parker and I was cornered. I had no excuse, well, I am sure that I could have come up with one but I like to be nice. So I met up with them, Mr., my "friend" and Mr.'s bro. I had met Mr.'s bro before so I wasn't really uncomfortable at all. Mostly I was hung over still from the night before when I got hammered with a 21 year old that I was crushing hard on....he is really cute, but I digress. I met Mr. He is cute...kinda skinny, but a very attractive guy. He is my age. He has his shit together. He built a house on property he owned, he has a great job that he intends on keeping for a long time. He has a great sense of humor, thinks I am hilarious, and can have a stimulating conversation. He has met Parker and, as far as I can tell, likes him. We eat dinner at his house together at least once a week and he invited the both of us over to spend the night last weekend. Things are good.....well, maybe.

Here is the thing...I have the tendency to go smoothly with someone for a certain amount of time without worry. I have been smooth with Mr. since I met him and honestly I am doing well without trying to push it into a relationship, which I have done before and scared dudes off. And as much as I feel like myself when I am around him, which I feel great because I feel like it is okay for me to be the late 20's adult that I am, but on the same token, I don't feel like normal-freaking-out-what-does-our-relationship-mean-and-what-kind-of-relationship-is-it self. So I think that is good, but I am now waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Monday night Parker had a tantrum at his house and I started to get angry with him. Because of my status as a single mom, I deal with a lot of judgment from observing people when it comes to discipline. Now, Mr. did not send that vibe to me but I sent that vibe to myself. I judged how I was handling it and how he would think of me afterward. The ugly truth that I nor my child are perfect. When your own child misbehaves, we have to deal with it, they are our child. We love them anyway because we get all the other really wonderful times to go with the fits. It's easy for Parker and I to love another person but it much easier for the other person to not love us...they don't know how much greatness they would be missing, they just see what they don't have to witness.

But beyond that, I am writing about this on someone else's blog because these are things that I don't want to talk about on my own. I have been single for 3 years...with the exception of one guy that I considered my boyfriend for 3 months. Relationships are something that most people are happy about and I am too, but a part of me doesn't want to admit it. I have...not worked hard at being single, but I have "figured" it out. I love it most of the time, but if Mr. suddenly dropped off the face of the earth tomorrow, I would be sad about it. His company has been great and I am not ready for it to be out of my life.....loneliness is the worse part of being single....regardless of how many friends you have right next to you, you can still feel internally lonely, Mr. has definitely changed the internal feeling. I feel like it is expected of me to be the strong single mom....but who is expecting that? Automatically I think my family feels this way because they were witness to the trauma of the end of my relationship with Parker's dad....I know they don't want that to happen again and neither do I. Then I think my peers may expect it of me because they have seen me grow and change as I faced the challenges of being a single mom, moving away from my support system, and living life the way that I want to with Parker. But they all want me to be happy.....either with or with out....now it is time for me to decide what I want in life....do I try with a wonderful man like Mr...or do I go back to chasing the guys that I know won't ever be serious.