Honesty

As today is dragging by and with my 7:30am appontment looming tomorrow morning, I find myself stricken with every emotion, every thought, every fear.  At first I wasn't going to share this, but then I thought my blog is a place I document my life for me and there is no else more real than what I am feeling right now.  After having a rough day Monday, I will get to that, Tuesday was much smoother and today better.  I've been cleaning, packing and getting things ready for our dog sitter to come. 

Ok, so back to Monday.  my nurse at the hospital was AWFUL, I think I cried more than I have in 3 months.  First, her internals were awful and painful. Now don't get me wrong I understand they are no walk in the park, but when I am crying, that means you're not being gentle enough.  Not to mention she then looked at me like she was annoyed because I couldn't relax.  Half-pint's heart rate also dropped and I was asking what was going on, is the baby ok, do I need to roll over?   She literally would not answer me....nothing.  Brendan got hung up at work so I was there by my self and again cried because to be honest.  That is her job in my opinion to inform me.  HP is just fine by the way, but give me some answers lady!

Tuesday was much better, my nurse whom I have known since she was a baby was amazing and she will be my nurse tomorrow.  She's one of my best friends little sisters and I love her dearly!  She was simply amazing yesterday!

As for today, I think I've cried more because I'm scared, nervous, excited more than I thought.  This is such an emotional ordeal.  Knowing exactly when I going in to have my baby is overwhelming yet I like that I can perpare, pack, clean, etc. 

Brendan is in the same boat but I think today our fear is outweighing most things.  Fear of the unknown, fear that we may fail as parents, fear that my body isn't going to know what to do and I may end up having a c-section.  Which by the way isn't the worst thing in the world, just different than I have always imagined.

I honestly think the thing that overwhelms me the most is that there was always a thought in the back of my mind that I may never get to this point.  Last year on this very day I was having one of the worst days of my life.  To miscarry a child is heart wrenching, heart breaking and the feelings that accompanied that loss will forever be in my heart.  But I could never seem to shake the fact of questioning if God's plan was to ever give us a baby.  Low and behold, what a difference a year makes.  To know that our dream of having a baby is going to come true tomorrow is so surreal and knowing that God does in fact deliver on his time.  I have thanked God more times today than I can count.  This blessing means more to us than words can describe and I owe to our faith to be where we are today. 

So tomorrow as we close one door of our family being just the 3 of us...Yes I include Ruby, we embark on the best years of our life and although I have so much fear inside right now, I know that God is good, and I am forever greatful for these last 9 months, and I am so blessed to have such a wonderful partner to share this journey with.