Today is Monday and the first day we returned to our regular lives. I was dreading this day since Friday, and this morning going to get into my car I started feeling the tears well up in my eyes. I just felt like it was the end. The end to our journey with our baby, the end of our time away from reality and now the grieving starts.
At work today the gals I work with got me the sweetest gift, a Willow Tree Angel that's called "Forever in my heart" it couldn't be more perfect. It will be in our home forever as tribute to our first baby. Other people at work were great, men that I thought wouldn't say a word came up hugged me and just asked how I was doing. So many people giving their regards, I feel so lucky to have such wonderful people surrounding B and myself.
I feel like I am an emotional rollercoaster, one minute I am perfectly fine and the other I am bawling and can't control it. I am angry, angry that we don't have answers as to why, angry at every teenage pregnant girl I see at school, angry that this happen to us. I think these feelings are normal but I wish they would go away. I am normally an upbeat overly cheery person and I don't feel like myself. I hate these feeling this way, to be very honest, I haven't had a loss like this in about 11 years, and thankfully I had forgotten what it feels like.
I do have to say that I am so, so thankful for B, he is truly amazing and I thanked God every hour for him today. I couldn't not do this without him and my wish is that our relationship would come out of this stronger and we would become closer as a couple. B has gotten to see me at my lowest and has picked me up, dried my tears and helped me carry on. He is the most amazing man, I can't imagine what my life would be like without him.
I know B and will get through this, it will just take time! I wish that time could just be fast forwarded and we would be healed, but life doesn't work that way. So here's to taking it day by day, appreciating the true miracle of life and time healing all wounds. Have a wonderful day all!


Leslie G said...

I am so sorry for your loss and I have been praying for you and B as you begin your healing process. It's hard sometimes to know exactly what God has in store for your life, and at times, even I question why things happen and for what reasons.
I have been thinking about you for the past several days, wishing there was something I could do, though that's pretty impossible since I've never had the pleasure of meeting you! So I'll just keep praying.
A few words of encouragement from my favorite book:
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not unto your own understanding. Acknowledge Him, and He will direct your path. Prov. 3:5

Jessi said...

I don't know you personally but I read your blog all the time and know that you are a strong woman. It's okay to cry and let it out. I can't tell you the right words to make your pain go away, but I can share with you what my mom told me as she was dying: "Don't put a question mark where God has put a period." At first I felt these words were harsh,first we lost my sister (I was 11) when she was 4 months, and now I was loosing my mother at 26, months before my wedding. These words have somehow got me through the hard days because my mom truly felt this. I saw what loosing a child did to my mom, but eventually she and my dad had a stronger realtionship and got through it together. I wish I could take your pain away, but I can't. I am so glad that you have such a supporting husband to lean on. I am keeping you in my prayers each day, praying that you may heal. :::HUGS::::

Mrs. McB said...

Praying for you as you begin to heal. It will be a long journey, but you are right-You will be stronger because of it.

C said...

As always, girl, I'm praying for you. God will give you strength & He'll heal the wounds, even if it takes a while.

Kara Fitzjarrald said...

I am here from thebump. I am on the PL board as well. Just wanted to say that I feel your pain and anger. I hope your healing process goes well and you find happiness in your days.

platinum blonde said...

I think those feelings are natural. You are truly blessed to have such a wonderful family and hubby. I know you will find the strength in your sorrow and your heart will heal in time. Have faith, and know your friends and family love you dearly.

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