4/6/09

Healing takes time..

It's now been a week and a half since B and I got our devastating news. We are taking it day by day and although my body has healed, our hearts are taking a little more time. We have both agreed that we are forever changed.
We have had overwhelming support from our friends and family, we don't know what we would do without all of them. There are some days, like today I feel great, feel at peace with the whole situation and then there are days like Friday where I called B because I was sitting in my office at work bawling my eyes out. I do know this that each day is getting a little easier, and the only thing that has given us the strength to face each day has been our faith.
Yesterday I took post it's and put one on the bathroom mirror that says " have faith that there is a bigger plan" I want to remember this each day. Although we may never know why we lost our first baby, we must have faith that God had us go thorugh this for a reason. There is a bigger plan to all this madness and it's only when we fully devote ourselves to him that we find the meaning of our plan.
One thing that makes me have some kind of peace is to know that my nanny that was so dear to me and passed away in 1998 will take care of our baby in heaven. Cheesy as it may sound, this puts my mind and my heart at peace to know that she's with our baby and would take great care of him/her as she did with me and my sister.
I told B yesterday that I've now realized that if I can be a voice of support or information for another gal going through this situation, then something good has come from our sorrow. I've also realized how common miscarriages actually are. Not to scare anyone but it's kind of taboo subject that not a lot of people talk about. After going through one, so many women have come up to me and said they too have been through the same thing. It's been very comforting talking with these women who have then gone on to have healthy families.
So here are the things that are still haunting me......
-First, we still don't have any answers. I don't know if we ever will. I go back to see the doctor tomorrow and I am hoping that she will tell us anything, even if it's nothing at all.
-Second, I am TERRIFIED to get pregnant again. Knowing very well that this could happen again. I don't know if I am strong enough to be able to handle this once again.
So here's a question I pose to my readers who have gotten this far. When B and try to concieve again, and we will. When we are lucky enough to get pregnant again, would you tell everyone right away, knowing that you had amazing support from family and friends during this trying time? Or would you keep it to yourselves and grieve on your own IF and that's a big if you were to lose the baby once again?
Here's my dilemma, first, we had amazing support from our family and friends, my thought is to tell everyone when we are ready this maybe at 8 weeks or at 14 weeks, but when B and I are ready. My other thought is to tell everyone right away because we want those people praying for us each and everyday for a healthy baby. I know it's a ways off, but something that has been on my mind and I thought I would post the question to you out there. Would you tell everyone you were pregnant right away, wait till the all important 12 week mark, or wait until you are well into the 2nd trimester?? Leave your thoughts on the comments page!! Thanks so much!
Have a wonderful week, sorry for the ramblings!!!

12 comments:

C said...

So glad your faith is carrying you through! As for the question, I think I'd tell my immediate family/really close friends earlier, but wait at least 12 weeks before telling anyone else.

Kristal said...

It sounds like you have an amazing support system around you, A.

When DH and I get pregnant, we plan on waiting until we hear the heartbeat before telling our friends and family, and waiting until after the first trimester to tell my work. I know miscarriage is a very real possibility, and while I'd be happy to have the support of my family and friends, I'd be very uncomfortable telling my coworkers, so I'd prefer to wait awhile to tell them the news.

Jessica said...

Abby, your making me tear up! It brings back alot of memories and I know exactly what you are going through. We've decided we'll also wait until we're ready. It completely amazed me at how many people (family, friends, ppl I hadn't talked to in years) supported us through this time with e-mails, card, calls, etc. It really makes you realize how loved you really are! I'll be interested to see the other comments. I think we'll tell certain people right away and others after the first trimester. You'll be in my prayers, both you and B!

platinum blonde said...

I'm glad to hear you are feeling better and taking it day by day. I agree with you completely that there is always a bigger plan-one that we rarely ever understand or are able to make sense of in the beginning. As for your question, I think you'll forever have the support of your friends and family no matter what. They'll be praying for you whether you tell them to or not, so I think it is more than okay for you & B decide to keep any news to yourself for a bit. Obviously, it is only a decision you and Brendan can make, so just be sure to share when YOU are ready and all of the inevitable gifts & congratulatory celebration will follow. xoxo -Melanie

Amy said...

I have not been in your situation but know many others who have and i can tell you that i am in constant worry. I am almost 10 weeks, and we decided to tell most people. I haven't told EVERYONE at work yet, but we felt that we a)couldn't keep it secret because i was so sick and b) if something is to happen, we need all the support we can get. I couldn't imagine going through it alone. It is something that is a personal decision and while its hard, you will make the right one for you!

I can tell you that i know a lot of women who had a mc and went on to have healthy babies the next time! Hang in there!

Katie Jo said...

I'm so sorry your going through this. I have had 1 ectopic and 2 miscarriages and sometimes ponder this very exact question. My DH and I are both willing to keep a secret for 14 weeks, but I think that when we start to feel confident in the pregnancy we will tell them. But for now we too are terrified of the possiblities. Best of Luck to you!

GnomeSweetGnome said...

Abby, my heart aches for you. As you know, there is no right or wrong answer to your question, but it is something I think you will know what to do once the time comes. I have thought about what I would do in this situation a lot (or even just when to tell people the first time I get pg), and I have decided that the support I would get from family and friends outweighs the risks of telling them and then something horrible happening. But, everyone is different. I'm praying for you both.

julie said...

So glad to hear that your faith is strong and that you are feeling at peace with the situation.

We told our close friends and immediate family right away so that we had that support system going into this. I waited a bit longer to tell my work. Everyone is different, but for me, having that support system and prayers was so much better up front than having to go through it alone with no one knowing, and then coming undone. You and B are still in my prayers-you guys are so blessed to have such great families and friends.

Abbie said...

Hey Abby... I've wondered this same question. I didn't have time to tell anyone the first time because I had already miscarried when I found out that I was pregnant. But a few know that we are also dealing with IF, so I think I might tell and be supported, but ask that they not tell family friends right away, but keep it within the family. My prayers are with you!

Karen said...

Hi Abby, I again am so sorry for your loss. You pose a very good question and I hope that I can share my situation with you and you can make your own decision based on the advice that you recieve. We had a loss too after only TTC for 4 months. I was so afraid to try again just because I never ever wanted to feel that pain again. With time, that pain did slowly heal and we started to try again. The second time around was not as easy for us, we tried for two years with no luck. It was awful. When we finally became pregnant again, we were just so happy, that we told our immediate families right away. We thought for sure this couldn't happen again and our families will be there to support us regardless of the outcome. Unfortunately we lost that baby too and to this day I regret telling our families so quickly. Yes, they were supportive, but, they just didn't "get it". And they never can and never will. As much as they love you, there will be things that they say that will end up angering and frustrating you. If we do end up getting pregnant again, we are not going to say a word to anyone until at least 14 weeks. Our second loss was from Trisommy 16 and from everything I have read about having a Trisommy 16 baby, most people don't show signs of miscarriage until around 12 weeks. That statistic alone is why I am planning on waiting until around 14 weeks. Good luck Abby in whatever you decide to do. I hope when you do try again, you are blessed very soon.

Melissa said...

Hi. I remember you from the D&R board and i just saw you on PL and i am SO sorry for your loss. I had two m/c last year. It was so hard. I now have a beautiful 6 week old daughter. You can check out my blog if you want. I started it right before my 2nd loss.
I am a teller. i told everyone right away all 3 times. it is important to me to have support from friends and family. plus i hate secrets

Legalosaur said...

We had a m/c with our first pregnancy. We had both told a few close friends, but were waiting to tell our parents until we had heard the heartbeat. In the end, after finding out about the m/c at 12 weeks, we had to tell my parents because they live in the same town and they knew something was up. I am glad I told them, because they were amazingly supportive.

When we get pregnant again, I think I will now tell the few close friends and my parents right away. I will need their support because, like you, I'm terrified of being pregnant again and that we will m/c again.

Good luck to you!!

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