Some sad news on the home front

I'm not even sure how to start this post. First I was so excited that this week I was going to announce my pregnany on my blog. Today I had a wrench and a really huge one thrown into the deal when I found out that I am losing the baby. I was supposed to be 12 weeks 1 day along and the baby was measuring 9 weeks with no cardiac activity.

B just happens to be in AZ this week for training, but is flying home tomorrow morning. Luckily by the grace of God my sister just happen to call me as I am going to the clinic today and offered to go with me. I was origianlly going to say no that's ok, but something said have her go. After the whole ordeal I am so thankful she was there, and couldn't have made it through with out her.

My family has been so great this evening and even though I haven't always answered my phone to talk, I truly appreciate their caring thoughts and prayers for B and myself.

To be very honest, we just started telling our friends and extended family this week. It's so hard not to ask why me, why now and did I do something wrong? I ate lunch meat, I drank a coke, I slept on my back. Although there is nothing I did wrong, I wish I believed that when everyone told me. I was just fine at home by myself, by choice until I went in our guest room and saw some of the baby gifts we have recieved. I lost it then, I then just sat there by our desk and cried till I couldn't cry anymore.

I am seriously numb, this is so surreal to me. I now have no more tears, no more words, nothing to make myself feel better but time. Tomorrow I now have to go back in and have another internal u/s to confirm what they already know. Seriously I do not want to go and would rather stay in my bed. Why do they feel the need to torture me again. Thankfully my older sister is going with me again. Do I really need to hear this devastating news once again, seriously, come on! I know they are trying to be thorough but isn't there any other way!!!

I apologize that this post is so blue, but right now I don't feel like posting bedding and fashion tips. In the coming days..

I am trying to live by " God will never give you anything you can't handle." Although it is so hard to really believe this in our sitaution right now, I am trying so hard to have a strong faith in my God and his plan for B & myself. As I sit here typing with tears running down my face, I know he has the perfect baby for us and he is just waiting for the perfect time to bless us with our precious gift, but I really thought October was our right time. Now I am deathly afraid to even think about trying to concieve once again.

Hope everyone had a great day, may you day be better than mine was.